July 27, 2011

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Quiet Moment for Quiet Thoughts I am writing from my kitchen table, which I usually reserve for writing papers. It’s funny, isn’t it, that we try to protect certain places in our home in this way? For example, I write papers ONLY at the table because on the couch or in the office I can’t focus. I usually check email for Randolph in bed, but I also will get a lot done on the couch. I can only print things off in our office, but Facebook is good for the living room couch. So it feels strangely odd to be blogging from the kitchen, but as I sat here on the computer I kept smelling my husband’s cologne (he’s a clothes-shedder and two of his shirts are draped across the back of the chair I’m sitting in) and it brings back a FEELING of nostalgia. You know that smell when the cologne has worn of cause it’s the end of the day and more than likely mixed with that laundered scent off his clothes? Throw in a little bit of soap and it’s a warm, comfy smell. The color of the smell is brown—I think of an old brown leather couch, old brown teddy-bears, a brown comforter. So the nostalgia it dredges up isn’t specific memories, but rather a feeling of being….brown? Maybe you think this is weird. I know brown isn’t the best color; in fact, Winston Churchill once said, “I rejoice with the brilliant colors and feel genuinely sorry for the browns.” And in general I prefer MANY other colors to brown, but the best I can explain it is that when I was little I used to imagine I had won a child’s lottery and had built me and my family two houses—one was a four story mansion (the fourth floor being entirely for my use, of course), and the other was a one story, 5 bedroom house (so none of my siblings and I would need to share a room again!) with one room decorated like a hunting lodge—all deep, soft brown carpet and wood paneling and a deer head on one wall opposite a wall with floor to ceiling shelves that cradled a library of books. Of course, I’d never actually been to a hunting lodge, but this was my idea of a haven of peace. And that is the feeling this wonderful smell reminds me of. I have much to do, but thought this nostalgia deserved honoring.
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Motherlife Having babies has changed my life. That kind of seems like a “duh” thing to say, and it is in a lot of ways. But though my life is different in the way you’d expect—diapers, high chairs, middle-of-the-night wakings, and people living in my house who are now scared of thunder—it is different in ways I did not expect. First, you have to understand that both of my kids “happened” to us. I had wanted to wait several more years before having them, and I did not yearn or long for them like so many of my friends have. But each child was another transition in my life. I remember holding Aubri just after she was born and thinking, “Well, I guess this is the next step in life.” I didn’t marvel that everything seemed natural and amazing, nor did I have (or expect to have) a motherhood climactic moment of love and bonding when I first looked into Aubri’s eyes. It was more of an, “Okay, this is it. Let’s go.” Outside of the physical recovery from pregnancy and childbirth (I struggled to sit on hard surfaces for more than three months!), the biggest adjustment I had to make was in the time it took to leave the house. I rarely wear makeup or do my hair, so I was used to getting ready in 15 minutes, and it was a big inconvenience that I now had to add several more steps to my formerly minimal routine. Now, I had to time an outing around naps and feedings, get dressed and wash my face and deodorize, change the baby, dress the baby, feed the baby, pump, make sure the baby has diapers and I have my pump, grab an extra set of clothes for the baby and a water for myself. It definitely shifted my wake up time a good forty-five minutes earlier. You can imagine how horrified I was when having two actually doubled the time. In the course of time I started laughing more. Aubri is a real challenge, but her precocity makes us smile an awful lot. Asher was such an easy baby it was simple to stay relaxed so I could enjoy Aubri—as long as I had my Starbucks. More laughter in our home has brought Johnathan and I closer together, and I know it has helped us create a loving environment for everyone. I was never really great with kids, and I worried I would not enjoy my own. But I do. I laugh more now than I did growing up. I had expected children to be stressful and burdensome, and instead, they make life seem newer and more interesting. That’s not to say they don’t also make life hard. I have found, especially lately, that as my interests have diversified, I truly struggle to prioritize and get everything done. And though I am mightily adverse to awakening before seven, I have lately considered doing so just so I can fit everything in and...

Rachel

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