Having babies has changed my life. That kind of seems like a “duh” thing to say, and it is in a lot of ways. But though my life is different in the way you’d expect—diapers, high chairs, middle-of-the-night wakings, and people living in my house who are now scared of thunder—it is different in ways I did not expect.
First, you have to understand that both of my kids “happened” to us. I had wanted to wait several more years before having them, and I did not yearn or long for them like so many of my friends have. But each child was another transition in my life. I remember holding Aubri just after she was born and thinking, “Well, I guess this is the next step in life.” I didn’t marvel that everything seemed natural and amazing, nor did I have (or expect to have) a motherhood climactic moment of love and bonding when I first looked into Aubri’s eyes. It was more of an, “Okay, this is it. Let’s go.”
Outside of the physical recovery from pregnancy and childbirth (I struggled to sit on hard surfaces for more than three months!), the biggest adjustment I had to make was in the time it took to leave the house. I rarely wear makeup or do my hair, so I was used to getting ready in 15 minutes, and it was a big inconvenience that I now had to add several more steps to my formerly minimal routine. Now, I had to time an outing around naps and feedings, get dressed and wash my face and deodorize, change the baby, dress the baby, feed the baby, pump, make sure the baby has diapers and I have my pump, grab an extra set of clothes for the baby and a water for myself. It definitely shifted my wake up time a good forty-five minutes earlier. You can imagine how horrified I was when having two actually doubled the time.
In the course of time I started laughing more. Aubri is a real challenge, but her precocity makes us smile an awful lot. Asher was such an easy baby it was simple to stay relaxed so I could enjoy Aubri—as long as I had my Starbucks. More laughter in our home has brought Johnathan and I closer together, and I know it has helped us create a loving environment for everyone. I was never really great with kids, and I worried I would not enjoy my own. But I do. I laugh more now than I did growing up. I had expected children to be stressful and burdensome, and instead, they make life seem newer and more interesting.
That’s not to say they don’t also make life hard. I have found, especially lately, that as my interests have diversified, I truly struggle to prioritize and get everything done. And though I am mightily adverse to awakening before seven, I have lately considered doing so just so I can fit everything in and still meet my goals. I value productivity so much that when I need a break and take it, I experience a sense of depression over not having completed my work. It is difficult to stay at home with children while also working several part-time jobs and going back to school. There just isn’t a lot of space to fit work into, especially as the kids age and their naps shrink.
Tonight, I put the kids to bed after a long Sunday (Sundays are never relaxing) and edited some writing before submitting it for publication. Then I cleaned up after them, berating myself for not being better at making them clean up after themselves. Next, I answered a few emails. Surfed Facebook. Wrote this blog. I am headed to bed now, and I miss the cuddling enough already that I plan to lay down with my little girl for a minute and tuck my son in again. A different life. A motherlife.
Posted by: |