August 30, 2011

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A Writing Life A person who writes experiences life differently. The power of words to stimulate, express, relieve, draw attention to, and acknowledge something’s worth empowers a writer to touch the world’s pulse of anxiety or beauty or truth, and capture it. When I write, my thought life is always active. I mull, probe, analyze, and sum ideas up constantly. I look at my kid and think about writing. I work on the budget and plan a blog about personal finance. I read articles and craft responses. I listen to a sermon or an interview and transcribe parts I find poignant. I connect concepts and bridge ideas. A study of Elijah becomes a Googling of jihad, which leads to reading about women in the Middle East, and ends with research on immigration. It’s kind of amazing. Most of the time, all this thinking about writing stays in my brain. Occasionally it eeks out through ink and gets itself seen in words, and those are the times I feel most at peace with myself. I used to journal my prayers, and that became one of the only ways I could pray. With a lack of time to myself with a pen and paper (I spend way too much time working on the computer), I have since gotten away from regular journaling. My prayer life seems much less tangible because I don’t see my prayers as things of permanence—they merely wander off into the atmosphere instead of proving their existence as when I harness them into written words—but it does feel a little more free, too, since my brain has always roamed faster than I could write. I guess everything has its give and take. When I write, I get to see a little bit of myself, and I like me more. In a weird way, reading what I’ve written operates as a sort of mirror; the words reflect back a small piece of my thoughts, emotions, and way of being. Seeing myself made permanent in this way makes me feel like I’ve slowed time down a bit, and for a moment I am just me instead of mommy or wife or coach or teacher or cleaner or banker or any number of roles I’ve assigned myself. When I feel jumbled or confused, I gain focus from writing. From focus comes understanding, and from understanding acceptance. I can look back at what I wrote and remember exactly where (and probably, who) I was when I wrote it. I guess I’m telling myself I should really write more often.
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Freed by my Imperfections In job interviews, I always identify perfectionism as one of my primary faults. I do it for two reasons: 1, It’s really something I struggle with, and 2, It sounds better than saying, “I tend to be the first person to spot a problem with the way things are done.” Perfectionism can paralyze me. It struck again this afternoon as I was grading paragraphs for my writing class. The first one I picked up ended up being the worst one, and let me tell you, the thing absolutely blew me away. I had no idea where to start. I wanted so badly to make this class useful for the student by being encouraging and helpful with my feedback, but couldn’t even begin. Similarly, I put off looking at student evaluations until I’m in a really bad, self-destructive mood, because they make me so nervous. Even though the percentage of students who disagree with me, or my methods, is always small, I start imagining ways I could have reached the students better. This in itself is good for me. I SHOULD try to reach every student I can, but spending time agonizing about the best way to tell a student his writing stinks like my kid’s diaper pail is not as productive. In fact, it’s a time-waster. And I have zero time to waste. Unless I'm on Facebook. My problem with perfectionism manifests in other ways, too. For example, I completely suck at knowing when to stop researching/writing/preparing papers. I tend to get terribly snappy with my children and husband if my mind is on the work I need to do. This only worsens my mood because I feel like a bad mom/wife. I have a hard time trying new things because of the insecurities dredged up by being bad at something. Johnathan says I stress out; I like to say I am always thinking of ways to improve. Regardless of the advantages perfectionism offers (like making me a good student), it can also be damaging. As I sat here a few minutes ago frustrated by my daughter's whining and my son's inability to obey rules, I began to feel like a failure as a mom, and since I'd already yelled at my husband I started feeling bad about that, too. I know I have a lot on my plate. I am taking advantage of opportunities God has given me and doing well (or so I think). But anytime I start to lag in something I get really hard on myself, and that isn't always good. So I thought it might help if I thought of ways I'm not-so-perfect and then found the bright side. Turns out, it's incredibly freeing to release some of the pressure I put on myself: 1. I avoid looking in the mirror for weeks at a time. My reflection does not (always) make me its slave. 2. I am okay with using pre-made ingredients or paying more for groceries when I don't have time to coupon....

Rachel

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