Freed by my Imperfections

In job interviews, I always identify perfectionism as one of my primary faults. I do it for two reasons: 1, It’s really something I struggle with, and 2, It sounds better than saying, “I tend to be the first person to spot a problem with the way things are done.” Perfectionism can paralyze me. It struck again this afternoon as I was grading paragraphs for my writing class. The first one I picked up ended up being the worst one, and let me tell you, the thing absolutely blew me away. I had no idea where to start. I wanted so badly to make this class useful for the student by being encouraging and helpful with my feedback, but couldn’t even begin. Similarly, I put off looking at student evaluations until I’m in a really bad, self-destructive mood, because they make me so nervous. Even though the percentage of students who disagree with me, or my methods, is always small, I start imagining ways I could have reached the students better. This in itself is good for me. I SHOULD try to reach every student I can, but spending time agonizing about the best way to tell a student his writing stinks like my kid’s diaper pail is not as productive. In fact, it’s a time-waster. And I have zero time to waste. Unless I'm on Facebook.

My problem with perfectionism manifests in other ways, too. For example, I completely suck at knowing when to stop researching/writing/preparing papers. I tend to get terribly snappy with my children and husband if my mind is on the work I need to do. This only worsens my mood because I feel like a bad mom/wife. I have a hard time trying new things because of the insecurities dredged up by being bad at something. Johnathan says I stress out; I like to say I am always thinking of ways to improve.

Regardless of the advantages perfectionism offers (like making me a good student), it can also be damaging. As I sat here a few minutes ago frustrated by my daughter's whining and my son's inability to obey rules, I began to feel like a failure as a mom, and since I'd already yelled at my husband I started feeling bad about that, too.

I know I have a lot on my plate. I am taking advantage of opportunities God has given me and doing well (or so I think). But anytime I start to lag in something I get really hard on myself, and that isn't always good. So I thought it might help if I thought of ways I'm not-so-perfect and then found the bright side. Turns out, it's incredibly freeing to release some of the pressure I put on myself:

1. I avoid looking in the mirror for weeks at a time. My reflection does not (always) make me its slave.
2. I am okay with using pre-made ingredients or paying more for groceries when I don't have time to coupon.
3. I hate reading books to my children. I like laying on the ground and playing with them.
4. I react in anger 4/10 times. That means the majority of the time I don't lose my cool.
5. I get really nervous when I speak in public. I'm usually smart enough to pick out a wardrobe that doesn't showcase sweaty armpits.
6. I'm terrible at pep talks. I stumble over my words and say, "You know what I mean?" a lot. But I think I get the message across.
7. I'm bad at staying in touch, but choose friends I can talk to no matter how long it's been since we've conversed.
8. I can always spot a problem, but I'm really good at coming up with a solution. And if I can't, it's a good reminder to pray.
9. I can be truly lazy, but I always feel awful if I watch too much TV.
10. I occasionally did other people's homework when I was younger, but I think the extra practice paid off.