Airplane Etiquette

    Okay. One question before we start: Doesn't everybody know that walking is like driving (unless you're from somewhere not America)-- you stay on the right side of the hallway, sidewalk, staircase, ramp, doorway, escalator-walking-thing? Otherwise you screw things up. Am I right?
    Okay. I'm ready now. A list of ten precepts you should abide by when traveling by big-bellied vehicles that carry you 30000 feet in the air to bring you to where you're going.

             10. Go to the bathroom before you board. There is no reason that you should have to go to the bathroom an hour into your flight, or -- what's worse! -- as soon as you stow your carry-on.
                9.  Don't ask someone else to watch your stuff while you go to the bathroom. If you're a terrorist-- that makes them responsible for your bomb. And even if you're not a terrorist, inevitably someone will wonder.
                8.     If you have been fortunate enough that an airline allows you to bring your dog with you, please do not throw away its defecation near a gate where people must smell said defecation while they wait to board their plane. It would be nice if you didn't throw it away near a food place either.
                7.    If there are open seats, do not plop yourself and all your luggage on the empty seat next to someone else. (This springs from an enraging personal experience-- I was curled up on the floor trying to get over motion sickness in a completely empty row of seats by Gate 21, and an older couple came and sat in the seats above me. The old lady actually set her foot on my hair!) This rule applies to old men, old women, young men, young women, stalkers, singles, desperate singles, and desperate single stalkers.
                6.   If your children have a propensity to run off and you have a tendency toward sitting on your butt while screaming for them to come back, I advocate leashing them. We don't care to hear all four of your children's names, especially in your dulcet tones.
                5.    Have your driver's license ready. Have your luggage ready. Have your money ready. Have your boarding pass ready. Have your jackets ready. Have your carry on ready. Get it?
               4.   Do not turn my air conditioner toward you. If you're that hot, you can bet I am, too.
                3.   Please refrain from blowing your nose and putting the kleenex in the seat pocket. That's gross.
                2.   In a similar fashion, please wrap your gum in something other than the barf bag. People need the barf bags to barf in, and when they are about to toss those cookies don't really have time to fumble around for bags they can actually open. This is actually for your health as much as it is considerate, since the world shares a fairly universal opinion that vomit is unpleasant. (By the way, this happened to me, too. I couldn't open any of the barf bags in my row because each was held shut by sticky pieces of gum.)
                1.   Please do not request a cup of milk if you're lactose intolerant. If you insist on doing so, it would be to your advantage not to vocally advertise your intolerance.

Comments

[maTT]

Rach, that was one of the funniest posts I've read in a while. Makes me look forward to experiencing all that in a few days.

[maTT]

Rach, that was one of the funniest posts I've read in a while. Makes me look forward to experiencing all that in a few days.

[Becka]

I spit my milk out my nose...but I'm not lactose intolerant!

[Johnathan]

Even I must admit this is excellent advice.

[Adahlia]

So glad I found you again...=)

[JayRodNU]

this was a wise and hilarious list