The Habit

Starbucks is habit-forming. Not only for the coffee, but for the intellectual stimulation I've grown used to finding there. Many years ago, during the development of my addiction, I visited Starbucks with others. I engaged my friends in conversation that revolutionized the way I thought about God, others, and me. Later, as life got me and everyone else, my Starbucks trips became more solitary-- my place to do homework, pray, journal, or read. Now, I go alone, or occasionally accompanied by my spouse or some other fellow reader with whom I don't need to interact.

But Starbucks is not the habit anymore; no, I have become addicted to my failure to interact. I have realized that I can't engage ideas. I can't engage others. I can't engage crowds or individuals or even academic stimulation. Has my brain turned to mush? Maybe, but I suspect it has more to with a protective shell I've sunk into. Over the last three years, I stopped the practice of connecting with others. I didn't have time, my friends moved away, my husband was busy, my homework came first. All of these are (I convince myself) valid excuses for my indifference. And yet, now that I have time, no homework, a husband who is home, and a new church with new (potential) friends, I feel stuck in a rut.

I'm just not interested in much anymore. I have become completely self-sufficient and independent, and there is very little wonder and awe in my life. I am sure some of that will return in a few weeks with the arrival of our daughter, but frankly, I am ready for God now. I want my soul to come alive to beauty and music and words the way it used to. I long to respond to ideas with passion, to friends with empathy, and to Jesus with humility. I've hit upon the formula: be less self-absorbed. get your thoughts in tangibility. devote yourself to Christ. Hopefully, Starbucks will be able to assist me in forming this new habit of outward looking!

Comments

[Becca]

I'm actually glad that you're finally bored with being bored. I knew it would happen, I just didn't know when. I understand the want/need to be alone sometimes, but there is definitely a difference between solitude and loneliness.