Join Me

Focused

My kid is awake quite a bit more than I expected she would be-- you know, since she's an infant and all that. And when she is awake her favorite thing to do is to stare at me. To tell the truth, after a while it gets a little creepy; you know she's just a baby, but you find yourself looking over your shoulder to see if she's stopped, yet. But today in church pastor mentioned that for the disciples, the Old Testament mandate to, "Praise the Lord," looked like a great day hanging out with Jesus and I got to thinking about the way she just loves my face. When she looks at me she's doing a couple of things: learning about life and flattering me because I love that she prefers me to everything else. She's also incredibly content (she can't focus on me when she's freaking out).

So today in church I started thinking that I need to work a lot harder to focus on Jesus' face. Most of the time I can't see him because I'm freaking out about stuff and that only results in me feeling out of touch with Him. So here's looking at you, kid-- thanks for teaching me a little about God today.  

Life Update

Okay, this one is going to be quick and rather random. 

In the reading department . . .

I finally finished re-reading Les Miserables, by Victor Hugo. The story is great, the narration good, the exposition annoying. (Never read this book unless you find an edition with a thousand pages of footnotes.) I also got my hands on Viola and Barna's Pagan Christianity. I was disappointed-- I expected the book the be really solid, but unfortunately spotted a lot of logical fallacies as I worked my way through it. Over all, not nearly as comprehensive or informative as it could have been. I don't know that I'd recommend it. 

I am working on John Piper's When I Don't Desire God, in addition to text books for my two classes. I have finished Prince Caspian and The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. Can I just say how much I love C.S. Lewis?

I recently sped through T.D. Jakes Total Forgiveness. And I mean, sped through it. In two hours at Starbucks. I say, if you want to understand how forgiveness works, pick up The Discipline of Grace, by Bridges. It's great!  

Oh yeah, and for something a little different, I've been reading The Message version of the Bible, side by side with the NIV (my preferred translation). Yesterday I was reading in Matthew where Jesus says that out of the heart come evil thoughts, lies, and slander to corrupt man (highly paraphrased.) I looked over at The Message version and it had added-- added, not paraphrased-- cussing as one of the things that corrupts us. So apparently, my staunch defense of cursing is over. The Message declares it-- Jesus forbids it! 

In another department. . . 

Does it seem like I have a lot of time on my hands? It doesn't feel like it. I have had to clean the exact same parts of the house probably twice a day the last week. There are just too many people in this house who are used to it being dirty that they forget to keep it clean once it's clean. And then that wears me out so I take my cat Lux outside until he can't stand the heat anymore so I drive to Starbucks and read so that I can actually focus on important stuff before this kid arrives and I don't have any more relax time. 

In the friends department . . .

In all fairness, we have actually been visiting a lot with friends, since I have been making friends at our new church. This weekend we had three couples over for dinner, played card games, won a volleyball tournament, and mowed the yard. (Okay, I actually played very little part in the mowing bit. Or the volleyball  tournament, seeing as how I can't move.) But all the same, we were busier than normal. And it was nice. 

In the baby department . . .

Aubriana's due date is a week and a half away. I think we've got everything we need, but pray that

she's born to be like 6 or 7 pounds because otherwise she won't fit in half the clothes she received.

Here's a picture!

The Habit

Starbucks is habit-forming. Not only for the coffee, but for the intellectual stimulation I've grown used to finding there. Many years ago, during the development of my addiction, I visited Starbucks with others. I engaged my friends in conversation that revolutionized the way I thought about God, others, and me. Later, as life got me and everyone else, my Starbucks trips became more solitary-- my place to do homework, pray, journal, or read. Now, I go alone, or occasionally accompanied by my spouse or some other fellow reader with whom I don't need to interact.

But Starbucks is not the habit anymore; no, I have become addicted to my failure to interact. I have realized that I can't engage ideas. I can't engage others. I can't engage crowds or individuals or even academic stimulation. Has my brain turned to mush? Maybe, but I suspect it has more to with a protective shell I've sunk into. Over the last three years, I stopped the practice of connecting with others. I didn't have time, my friends moved away, my husband was busy, my homework came first. All of these are (I convince myself) valid excuses for my indifference. And yet, now that I have time, no homework, a husband who is home, and a new church with new (potential) friends, I feel stuck in a rut.

I'm just not interested in much anymore. I have become completely self-sufficient and independent, and there is very little wonder and awe in my life. I am sure some of that will return in a few weeks with the arrival of our daughter, but frankly, I am ready for God now. I want my soul to come alive to beauty and music and words the way it used to. I long to respond to ideas with passion, to friends with empathy, and to Jesus with humility. I've hit upon the formula: be less self-absorbed. get your thoughts in tangibility. devote yourself to Christ. Hopefully, Starbucks will be able to assist me in forming this new habit of outward looking!

A Little Wild

Yesterday I watched Into the Wild, a true story about Chris McCandless, who graduates from college to wander the western United States for two years. This normal-kid-turned-tramp ends up fulfilling his dream of living in the wild of Alaska, but dies of hunger when he can't leave due to spring rains and a swollen river. The movie's lack of chronological order serves to emphasize Chris's disillusionment with his parents and the materialistic society he doesn't want to be part of. But Chris's estrangement from others is apparent in more than just his familial relationships (he disappears from college and doesn't contact his family again). When an old man he's just spend several months with asks to adopt him, Chris answers, "Let's talk about that after I get back, okay?"
I've met (and really liked) several of Lynchburg's resident "tramps" (if my memory serves me right they prefer to be called travelers), and I sometimes revere their nomadic lifestyle. But these people get what's important about traveling, something that Chris didn't understand until he was dying-- that the happiness they're after is only real when shared. They live in community-- caring for each other, dumpster diving with each other, praying together, and traveling together. Some of them live in condemned buildings or abandoned factories, but they live a freestyle life. That was part of the reason I liked this movie. This type of lifestyle reflects an extraordinary perspective on life-- one that more people should share. Life is not about things. Not about working to get things. Not even about helping others get things.
And there's something to be said for living with such simplicity. It forces us to ask questions about what matters and what's fulfilling and what our purpose is. I think the answers to these questions shift for us as we move through time (though an eternal answer remains static), but shouldn't we be paying attention to them anyway?

A Fork in the Road

 

  Husband and I have been working harder at integrating our lives in the last month or so. A brief glimpse of our relationship since its inception shows a widening gap that we really needed to close. In the pre-dating "friend" stage, we spent a lot of time hanging out at Barnes and Noble or in the music rooms at Liberty. Since I was intent on remaining single for the rest of my life, I kept my best friend Janell close by on all these occasions; the result was a beautiful growth of community and self-realization that sprouted from my deeper prayer life.
    When God finally showed me Johnathan's daily hours spent praying, I realized that I had found a man I could follow and pretty much dove in head first. Even before we made our relationship official we both knew we were going to marry.

    After a cool 6 months of dating, our passions for Jesus began to fade. Other stuff was replacing it, and we found it hard to stay on the "mountain" of Christ we'd been experiencing. I think we both hit a major river in our spiritual lives around the same time, and we've been struggling to stay afloat ever since. Getting married 3 years later had us on opposite sides of the spectrum. I thought it was going to be harder than it was, and Johnathan thought it was going to be easier. Now, the place that we both came to relax was our home (which needed to be kept clean for both of our sakes,  but neither one of us wanted to do it.) Formerly nomads, we used to rest with each other wherever we were; but a house changes those dynamics a lot-- it's the place to relax, the place you're both responsible for, the place to watch TV and eat and just zone out. I think it got easy for us to come home and flop next to each other without engaging each other. And God love the internet, but talk about another way to isolate yourself! Now we can work from home even more than we used to!
    As our schedules slowly varied and became more and more opposite each other, we rarely saw each other. Our interests and friends diverged, and before we knew it-- we were living completely separate lives! That doesn't really work, when the whole point of a wedding is to enable a marriage of two lives into one.
    When we realized how far out of control we'd spun, we also realized how hard it would be to get back together. It meant sacrifices we hadn't been used to making ("okay, I'll help you fold laundry" was just as important as "okay, I won't text message my friends when you're home.") and it also meant cutting events and commitments and people out of our schedules, and making LOTS of time for Jesus.
    The cutting stuff out has been hardest for Johnathan, and the adding Jesus in hardest for me. But the rewards that we are reaping have been bountiful-- we talk more, have (better!) sex more, we hang out more, and we even sleep more. But the best part is that we are experiencing Jesus more.

The Most Romantic V-Day Present Ever Is. . .

A hot chocolate maker! Because husband makes hot chocolate at work every day, but it always goes cold before he can drink all of it. So instead of roses or balloons that don't last very long (with the exception of the mylar formerly referenced on this website), I got my husband something he'd like!
Clever, huh?
Now, what do I want? Something admittedly more expensive-- another night at the Acorn Hill Lodge!

There and Back Again

So a family / personal issue took me home to Riverside CA for a little over a week. Of course I have no pictures of the green green grass (yes, in So Cal!-- it's been pouring!) because I didn't bring my camera. Or is it "take" my camera? Johnathan always gets me on this! But I'm still grammatically superior to him; he persists in referring to freshmen as "freshmans" and thinks that to get your money back is to be "reimbursted." I got to see a couple good friends, had a couple great talks, and came back fairly recharged. Johnathan took me to the Acorn Hill Lodge when I got back-- it's a little bed and breakfast here in Lynchburg with an awesome jacuzzi tub and king-size bed. The cat was incredibly clingy when I returned (he hasn't left my side since I arrived home) and we still had some golden grahams left! =)

I am seeing a lot of God's grace and power at work in my life. The problem is that life is still so daily; I wish that I was better at being content with where God has me now-- I feel so powerless to connect with others in my current situation. Let's face it: I suck at being satisfied with God! But God's promise remains true; his grace is enough for any situation!

Facebook vs the Blogosphere

My world is quite small. I know this, and welcome the opportunity to keep it as large as possible through the world of blogging. I have quite shunned Facebook (for reasons I couldn't even tell you) and don't have a MySpace account. I think because "chatting" and updating and poking and posting pictures and getting friend requests and seeing who is now friends with whom just annoys me. It's like information overload. It limits the connectivity for me. Husband, on the other hand, is a junkie for these online facilitators, and it drives me nuts. I just want to know why Facebooking is better than blogging? Can anyone tell me?

Prayer Request Update

Tricia is going to have a C-section either today or tomorrow. Nathan listed several specific prayer requests for her recovery. Please pray over them today here.

Urgent Prayer Request

Friends of ours are pregnant. Unfortunately, Tricia has cystic fibrosis and was preparing to have a double lung transplant before they found out about the pregnancy. She is now in the hospital, and both she and her baby are in danger. Please pray for them and visit Nathan's site, Confessions of a CF Husband, to find out what their specific needs arer.