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Focused

My kid is awake quite a bit more than I expected she would be-- you know, since she's an infant and all that. And when she is awake her favorite thing to do is to stare at me. To tell the truth, after a while it gets a little creepy; you know she's just a baby, but you find yourself looking over your shoulder to see if she's stopped, yet. But today in church pastor mentioned that for the disciples, the Old Testament mandate to, "Praise the Lord," looked like a great day hanging out with Jesus and I got to thinking about the way she just loves my face. When she looks at me she's doing a couple of things: learning about life and flattering me because I love that she prefers me to everything else. She's also incredibly content (she can't focus on me when she's freaking out).

So today in church I started thinking that I need to work a lot harder to focus on Jesus' face. Most of the time I can't see him because I'm freaking out about stuff and that only results in me feeling out of touch with Him. So here's looking at you, kid-- thanks for teaching me a little about God today.  

Life Update

Okay, this one is going to be quick and rather random. 

In the reading department . . .

I finally finished re-reading Les Miserables, by Victor Hugo. The story is great, the narration good, the exposition annoying. (Never read this book unless you find an edition with a thousand pages of footnotes.) I also got my hands on Viola and Barna's Pagan Christianity. I was disappointed-- I expected the book the be really solid, but unfortunately spotted a lot of logical fallacies as I worked my way through it. Over all, not nearly as comprehensive or informative as it could have been. I don't know that I'd recommend it. 

I am working on John Piper's When I Don't Desire God, in addition to text books for my two classes. I have finished Prince Caspian and The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. Can I just say how much I love C.S. Lewis?

I recently sped through T.D. Jakes Total Forgiveness. And I mean, sped through it. In two hours at Starbucks. I say, if you want to understand how forgiveness works, pick up The Discipline of Grace, by Bridges. It's great!  

Oh yeah, and for something a little different, I've been reading The Message version of the Bible, side by side with the NIV (my preferred translation). Yesterday I was reading in Matthew where Jesus says that out of the heart come evil thoughts, lies, and slander to corrupt man (highly paraphrased.) I looked over at The Message version and it had added-- added, not paraphrased-- cussing as one of the things that corrupts us. So apparently, my staunch defense of cursing is over. The Message declares it-- Jesus forbids it! 

In another department. . . 

Does it seem like I have a lot of time on my hands? It doesn't feel like it. I have had to clean the exact same parts of the house probably twice a day the last week. There are just too many people in this house who are used to it being dirty that they forget to keep it clean once it's clean. And then that wears me out so I take my cat Lux outside until he can't stand the heat anymore so I drive to Starbucks and read so that I can actually focus on important stuff before this kid arrives and I don't have any more relax time. 

In the friends department . . .

In all fairness, we have actually been visiting a lot with friends, since I have been making friends at our new church. This weekend we had three couples over for dinner, played card games, won a volleyball tournament, and mowed the yard. (Okay, I actually played very little part in the mowing bit. Or the volleyball  tournament, seeing as how I can't move.) But all the same, we were busier than normal. And it was nice. 

In the baby department . . .

Aubriana's due date is a week and a half away. I think we've got everything we need, but pray that

she's born to be like 6 or 7 pounds because otherwise she won't fit in half the clothes she received.

Here's a picture!

Today's Oswald

Does anybody else love the way the Spirit of God comes through Oswald? I have been re-reading a biography on him and have been so much more inspired than anything else I have read in a long time. The knowledge that he got it right with God is satisfying, and I realize how little Johnathan and I really do. Abandoned to God is the thing. And today's Oswald is perfect for it:

"I am ready to be offered." It is a transaction of will, not of sentiment. Tell God you are ready to be offered; then let the consequences be what they may, there is no strand of complaint now, no matter what God chooses. God puts you through the crisis in private, no one person can help an other. Externally the life may be the same; the difference is in will. Go through the crisis in will, then when it comes externally there will be no thought of the cost. If you do not transact in will with God along this line, you will end in awakening sympathy for yourself.

"Bind the sacrifice with cords, even unto the horns of the altar." The altar means fire - burning and purification and insulation for one purpose only, the destruction of every affinity that God has not started and of every attachment that is not an attachment in God. You do not destroy it, God does; you bind the sacrifice to the horns of the altar; and see that you do not give way to self-pity when the fire begins. After this way of fire, there is nothing that oppresses or depresses. When the crisis arises, you realize that things cannot touch you as they used to do. What is your way of fire?

Tell God you are ready to be offered, and God will prove Himself to be all you ever dreamed He would be.

Today's Oswald

"And when he heard this . . ." Have you ever heard the Master say a hard word? If you have not, I question whether you have heard Him say anything. Jesus Christ says a great deal that we listen to, but do not hear; when we do hear, His words are amazingly hard.

Jesus did not seem in the least solicitous that this man should do what He told him, He made no attempt to keep him with Him. He simply said - Sell all you have, and come, follow Me. Our Lord never pleaded, He never cajoled, He never entrapped; He simply spoke the sternest words mortal ears ever listened to, and then left it alone.

Have I ever heard Jesus say a hard word? Has He said something personally to me to which I have deliberately listened? Not something I can expound or say this and that about, but something I have heard Him say to me? This man did understand what Jesus said, he heard it and he sized up what it meant, and it broke his heart. He did not go away defiant; he went away sorrowful, thoroughly discouraged. He had come to Jesus full of the fire of earnest desire, and the word of Jesus simply froze him; instead of producing an enthusiastic devotion, it produced a heart-breaking discouragement. And Jesus did not go after him, He let him go. Our Lord knows perfectly that when once His word is heard, it will bear fruit sooner or later. The terrible thing is that some of us prevent it bearing fruit in actual life. I wonder what we will say when we do make up our minds to be devoted to Him on that particular point? One thing is certain, He will never cast anything up at us."

Sanctuary

Although I would never be so presumptuous to say that I am getting the hang of "this", I am definitely being directed to some hard parts of God's character. God's sovereignty, we've discussed. But when He does things which result in the suffering of friends it becomes even more difficult to submit to His will. I know at least two people who have followed God's "leading" only to get into trouble. Now I start wondering if this is going to happen to us. If it is-- I hope Husband and I deal with it the way God has been teaching me to deal with it. (We've been having practice sessions!)

But I don't want my religion to be like this-- a door to God and nothing else. I want there to be sanctuary in my life that can withstand His fires. Where I can continue to meet Him even if I can barely get in the doors. Yes, He may orchestrate the storm, but He's also the strong tower that protects from it.

God's Sovereignty

           It's an interesting thing that many Christians believe God does not lead or send us into crappy situations. For example, a friend might judge whether God truly called me to do something based on my success doing it; if you follow this thought process logically, we come up with the idea that God's will is for us to be only successful. It's a subtle belief in a prosperity gospel that I find alarming. True, it's not as explicit as what the televangelists preach, and many of us would in fact acknowledge our belief that God intends our suffering to create better characters, but there's something missing.

          I hear the refrain every time I don't get a job I wanted-- "God has something better in store." I see it in how we judge others, "Look at what he does to her, and she thinks she's following God!" There are other examples much more subtle that I can think of: "That couple made a bad financial choice, and yet they claim they were being obedient! But God doesn't tell someone to do something that might lead to financial ruin" Doesn't He? 

        I believe in God's sovereignty, and I know that sometimes his will is for me to get a job that's worse than the one I have now. I know that God leads us into unsuccessful endeavors on purpose. I know that God sends us to relationships that aren't going to make it. And I believe that sometimes He ruins our lives to save them.

      And yet, it is still hard to submit to His will. It is still hard to see people struggle with choices they made. I used to ask God why my parents ever got married, because they are so unhappy. The answer? To make me and my brother and my sisters who we are! God has purposed our lives to be just so, and we can either accept His sovereignty and believe in His goodness; or we can reject both of these characteristics and lose joy, peace, patience, love, etc. So when things aren't going the way you planned, what will your choice be?

Remembering . . .

There's a movie out there, called "The Forgotten." It is about how children are suddenly taken captive by aliens and the families are made to forget their existence. One mother, though, vaguely remembers that she has a son, and that he should be alive. She spends the movie trying to get him back.

This is how I am with God. I forget about Him. It is so easy to live my life without giving Him a second thought. But it' weird, because I still know He is there, I can just ignore Him. It's kind of like knowing that my phone calls at work are being monitored by my supervisors, and yet I plunge on with my job in a sort of reckless indifference. Most of the time I do perfectly well-- say and do what is expected of me-- but I still have those calls where I just don't care.

And yet He snatches at me. I get glimpses of Him when I am reading Harry Potter (I don't know how that happens). He's there when my roommate sings to herself as she's cooking. And in the urgency I have when I talk about God's command to take care of widows and orphans. Every longing in my soul resonates with John Donne's 17th century Holy Sonnet 14:

Batter my heart, three-person'd God ; for you
As yet but knock ; breathe, shine, and seek to mend ;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force, to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like an usurp'd town, to another due,
Labour to admit you, but O, to no end.
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captived, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betroth'd unto your enemy ;
Divorce me, untie, or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.

He doesn't do it, but he does promise that I will seek and find Him when I search for Him with all my heart. This brings me hope, because He promises that devoting my heart to seeking Him will enable me to both seek (which I find myself unable to do) and find Him (which is my heart's desire.)

A Drink of Water

On my way to pick up Husband from camp, I had a nice little worship session. When we bought our well-kept Explorer in January we got with it an extremely sensitive 5-CD changer. This CD player skips even if there is not a scratch on the CD, so my choices when in that car are pretty narrow. I have found that any CD in the 3rd spot skips, regardless of what kind of shape it is in. So I'm reduced to four which are skip-less and these are Bethany Dillon's Imagination, Shane and Shane's Psalms (sadly, Clean is unplayable), Johnathan's LIGHT CD that was recorded for our trip to Brazil, and Meredith Andrews' excellent album. SInce Dillon's album is first, I have really only heard the first couple of songs, and by then I either am at work or I have a sudden urge to find a Talk Radio station. Yesterday though, I made it all the way down to the bottom.

I follow all the rules
Well, at least I'm trying
Hoping when my days are through
You'll be pleased

I've lived the longest days
Thinking my heart was so bad
Too scared to look in your face
Oh, if only I had

[Bridge:]
And is it alright
If I stay here all night
By the shoreline

[Chorus:]
I cannot believe you are angry or unjust
You've done nothing but have compassion on us
So be near me when I've given up
Be near me

I'm just like everyone else
We are all hiding
Acting like I have a wealth
Of knowledge and peace

But all I've ever wanted
And what men have given their lives for
Is a God who understands my weaknesses
A God that I can love

[Bridge]

[Chorus]

I believe you are good and righteous
You've given me your reckless love
So be near, be near...

It's Good to Remember

Your will agrees with God, but in your flesh there is a disposition which renders you powerless to do what you know you ought to do. When the Lord is presented to the conscience, the first thing conscience does is to rouse the will, and the will always agrees with God. You say - "But I do not know whether my will is in agreement with God."

Look to Jesus and you will find that your will and your conscience are in agreement with Him every time. The thing in you which makes you say "I shan't" is something less profound than your will; it is perversity, or obstinacy, and they are never in agreement with God.

The profound thing in man is his will, not sin. Will is the essential element in God's creation of man: sin is a perverse disposition which entered into man. In a regenerated man the source of will is almighty. "For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of His good pleasure." You have to work out with concentration and care what God works in; not work your own salvation, but work it out, while you base resolutely in unshaken faith on the complete and perfect Redemption of the Lord. As you do this, you do not bring an opposed will to God's will, God's will is your will, and your natural choices are along the line of God's will, and the life is as natural as breathing. God is the source of your will, therefore you are able to work out His will. Obstinacy is an unintelligent 'wadge' that refuses to be enlightened; the only thing is for it to be blown up with dynamite, and the dynamite is obedience to the Holy Spirit.

Today's Oswald

Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow, they simply are!

Think of the sea, the air, the sun, the stars and the moon - all these are, and what a ministration they exert. So often we mar God's designed influence through us by our self-conscious effort to be consistent and useful. Jesus says that there is only one way to develop spiritually, and that is by concentration on God. "Do not bother about being of use to others; believe on Me" - pay attention to the Source, and out of you will flow rivers of living water. We cannot get at the springs of our natural life by common sense, and Jesus is teaching that growth in spiritual life does not depend on our watching it, but on concentration on our Father in heaven. Our heavenly Father knows the circumstances we are in, and if we keep concentrated on Him we will grow spiritually as the lilies.

The people who influence us most are not those who buttonhole us and talk to us, but those who live their lives like the stars in heaven and the lilies in the field, perfectly simply and unaffectedly. Those are the lives that mould us.