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A Little Raw

I recently and inadvertently came across some written material which ridiculed my personality and emotional weaknesses (experienced by the author only second-hand). It was hard to swallow, especially as it came from someone I held no malice toward. I felt ashamed and vulnerable and awfully exposed. I certainly have been struggling spiritually and mentally, knowing my own failures and feeling like they are hurdles so big I'll never get across, but that level of shame and worthlessness sinks to an entirely new place when someone else belittles those failures and mocks me for them.

For most of my life I have been insecure around others. I have never felt that my personality was an attractive one, and worked hard to make people like me when I was younger. I didn't have the sense of humor that made everyone laugh like Katie, or that charisma which drew others like Lisa, or the enthusiasm to endure trifling and petty conversations like Crystal. I was unable to draw close to others, and buried my mind in books whenever I could escape the typically awkward socialization of jr. high and high school kids. I didn't connect with others because I couldn't understand who and what I was. A friend of mine named Rob helped me become comfortable with myself in that regard, and I soon was enmeshed in a wonderful group of friends who were on my level both spiritually and intellectually. The dynamic I was surrounded by changed dramatically when I left for college, but I had great friends and I was hungry for Jesus. What's more, He was revealing Himself to me in so many ways as I explored Him and His design for my life.

Looking back at that time, I am amazed at how far I have both travelled and regressed. Most of my good friends live far away now, and we rarely speak due to incompatible schedules. It's amazing how easy it is to get lost in yourself when you are no longer being accurately reflected by good friends. But the truth is that iron sharpens iron, and I got pretty dull! And most unfortunately, my dullness had a very grave and quite unexpected outcome that will never be got over. But God extends grace, and restoration and-- most of all-- patience! I thank God for His patience in working with me. I know that even when I am in a rut, I am growing. When I am childish and petty, I am helped. When I am weak, I am saved. His Love for me is unconditional, even when everyone else's is performance based!

My Own Way Home

When I first got my driver's license I immediately started my driving career with exploring. The first thing I did when I began driving myself and the kids to school was to alter the route. Instead of heading straight down Pedley all the way to Limonite, I turned right at Jurupa to get on Van Buren a little sooner. This was faster as the light stayed green quite a while. This turn began my streak of directionary independence. I found several different routes home. I could stay on Van Buren past Jurupa and turn right onto Bellegrave or take several different back roads home to end up by the Shell station off Country Village Rd. I started turning down more and more roads to speed up my drive to school and Sandals. I learned that around 7:30 AM if you went straight through the tail end of a green light on Van Buren (instead of turning left at Arlington) that you would get greens all the way through California, at which time you could turn left and head over to Monroe.

When I moved to VA, I didn't have a car to begin with. But as soon as Johnathan started to let me drive his I was off again. Lynchburg initially confused the crap out of me because it's not very straight. To give you the full extent of the confusion interpret this: 501 South is the same road and direction as 29 North. Thus, in Lynchburg, I believed in the power of the city to get me lost. This is in direct contradiction to my direction-finding abilities, which were never challenged in CA (where one missed turn simply leads to a new road somewhere). After about 4 years here, however, I began to drive myself more and more places, and found (by accident) that there are several circular roads in Lynchburg which take you to more than one place. How exciting! I set off exploring again. I found that 501 N and 29 S are really the same road, and go very nearly in a circle, and both are intersected by 460 business, otherwise known as Campbell, otherwise known as Langhorne. Rivermont Ave, otherwise known as 29 business and Boonsboro Rd and 501 North is linked to Old Forest Road AND 460 Business, otherwise known as Campell, otherwise known as Langhorne by "Link Rd." Once you can string together the multiple names, you really learn your way around! =)

The whole point of this very non-interesting post to muse on my decrease of independence. With all these new routes home, to Randolph, to Liberty, and to various Starbucks located on various ends of the city, I end up going the same way Johnathan goes. Even if I don't believe it's faster than my way.

Intriguing, right?   

On Husband, the Hero

Last night Husband was revising a recruiting email and I was trying to devise ways of stealing the 2nd Lord of the Rings book from my roommate, who was reading it in the kitchen. The doorbell rang, which surprised us, because it was nearly 10 P.M., plus no body ever rings the doorbell at my house except our neighbors. So I yelled come in and somebody walked right in (which kind of made me think it couldn't be our neighbors because they wait until we officially answer the door).

It was our neighbor, who asked calmly, "Do you have any bolt cutters?"

Johnathan got up and stalked into the pantry to meet him, "Um, I don't think so," but he was looking through our boxes of tools.

Chris headed back toward the front door, but his voice was a little higher when he explained. "My dog's got his lead line wrapped around his leg and we can't get it off. It's starting to swell, and if I don't get it off he's going to lose his leg!" I could hear him panic at that last part, and all three of us followed him outside.

Danielle headed to her car to see if she had anything, and Johnathan went to the back of our Explorer, where we keep some more tools. We were both right behind Chris on the way to their backyard, where Jen was holding the dog-- Brutus-- who was yelping. Jen asked something, but Chris answered in a much more relieved voice, "Willis is coming. It'll be fine."

I love that! I feel the same way when there's a problem. I think this may be why I can't help but describe Johnathan as a big scary black man, because in my mind he intimidates issues. I see his back as he squares off to face the problem-- strong, erect, a little tense-- and he deals with it. In fact, Husband got that thing off Brutus' leg in just a few minutes, and after about five minutes the dog was walking around again and Johnathan was apologizing for not being able to help more.

That's my man!

Remembering . . .

There's a movie out there, called "The Forgotten." It is about how children are suddenly taken captive by aliens and the families are made to forget their existence. One mother, though, vaguely remembers that she has a son, and that he should be alive. She spends the movie trying to get him back.

This is how I am with God. I forget about Him. It is so easy to live my life without giving Him a second thought. But it' weird, because I still know He is there, I can just ignore Him. It's kind of like knowing that my phone calls at work are being monitored by my supervisors, and yet I plunge on with my job in a sort of reckless indifference. Most of the time I do perfectly well-- say and do what is expected of me-- but I still have those calls where I just don't care.

And yet He snatches at me. I get glimpses of Him when I am reading Harry Potter (I don't know how that happens). He's there when my roommate sings to herself as she's cooking. And in the urgency I have when I talk about God's command to take care of widows and orphans. Every longing in my soul resonates with John Donne's 17th century Holy Sonnet 14:

Batter my heart, three-person'd God ; for you
As yet but knock ; breathe, shine, and seek to mend ;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force, to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like an usurp'd town, to another due,
Labour to admit you, but O, to no end.
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captived, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betroth'd unto your enemy ;
Divorce me, untie, or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.

He doesn't do it, but he does promise that I will seek and find Him when I search for Him with all my heart. This brings me hope, because He promises that devoting my heart to seeking Him will enable me to both seek (which I find myself unable to do) and find Him (which is my heart's desire.)

What I Like About You

There are several things I wish I could change about myself:
-- I wish that I was more sympathetic
-- I wish that I facebooked and myspaced a little more (for the benefit of others who do facebook and msypace)
-- I wish that I was not nearly as lazy as I am
-- I wish that I would hold my tongue more
-- I wish that I loved Jesus more
-- I wish that I was a little more friendly and personable
-- I wish I knew what to say to people I don't know
-- I wish I had some musical talents
-- I wish I worked out more
-- I wish I had an IQ of 200

This list is longer, I am sure, but from my angle it pretty much covers it. Why? Because I am pretty satisfied with who I am right now. Jesus has made me, and has given me experiences and friends and dispositions to help shape me into who I am and who I will become. I have changed a lot over the last 7 years and hope the Holy Spirit will continue to strip me to the bare essentials. It feels so clean!

There are no Snakes in this Lake

Well, at the very least, there are no recorded instances of snake bites. There were ducks, though . . .

Husband and I

Graduation Day

Husband and I . . .

Family and I . . .

Mrs. Towles and I

Take Some Airborne

Good morning everybody! Life is a little hazy for me today, due to a lack of sleep. It's Husband's fault, of course; as he is quite sick. He's actually been sick since Thursday, and for a guy who I've only seen ill once (in the five years we've been together) this is pretty gi-normous!

    His main symptom is shivering while sweating. Husband's been feverish almost constantly, and his skin is tender to the touch, his throat is broken out in blisters, and his ears have fluid build up and hurt him as well. In addition to that, he's got some great, big, beautiful amounts of phlegm in his system. He's been to the doctor twice, but we've so far only confirmed that he does not have strep throat. The other favorite? Mono.

    Mono! If it's mono, we'll miss our vacation. He won't get to work. Volleyball is out. And if I get sick I'll probably die. I'm a miserable sick person.

    On the upside, I get to spend much more time with Johnathan, he actually does his homework, and he doesn't have the energy to get mad at my cat.

Brief Reflection on America's Smart People

In one of my graduate courses we had to research and write a response to one of four topics. I chose mixed ability grouping in the classroom (basically having people who do all their work and people who never do their work together in one classroom.) Research says that mixed ability grouping improves the achievement levels of low achievers, but inhibits the achievement levels of high achievers. I'm not going to be cynical here, but I really can't suggest this anywhere else (I'd be skinned alive if I proposed this in class)-- perhaps the low achievers achieve more because they are in groups with high achievers who don't want to get bad grades and end up doing most of the work? 

Anyway, we had to write our response and post it to a discussion board. I did mine in quite a hurry, and my teacher's response?

"Your writing is scholarly. What was your point?"

I'm not sure whether she actually meant these two sentences to be totally unrelated, or whether she was reflecting on the state of our scholarly journals. But if the former it was an accident with plenty of significance, as it is my belief that scholars write in so convoluted a manner that it obscures their meaning and allows them to get away with whatever it is they're saying, since everyone else is too embarrassed to admit they don't know what the hell is going on.

[Big Sigh.] 

This is the Day that the Lord has Made

It has been a very long time since I've been so tired I can't keep my eyes open. Back when I was playing volleyball and we were waking at 5 every morning to lift and having two and three hour practices was the last time I can remember being so chronically tired. This Saturday, though, I learned to recall those days.

I woke up at a decent hour-- for a Saturday-- around 8 AM. Johnathan had to go to Charlottesville and I had to go to Mrs. Towles' house for a Sigma Tau Delta leaf reaking fundraiser. Mrs. Towles lives in Appomattox- "Where the Nation Reunited"- about a 40 minute drive. May I emphasize how much I love driving through Virginia? It nearly makes me weep as I float through green grass and bright splashes of color and people out mowing their lawns and walking their dogs. We (the minions of Sigma Tau Delta) raked leaves, landscaped, mulched, and hauled full tarps of dead leaves, silt, and humus to be burned for a good two hours, then enjoyed a fantastic meal of veggie burgers. (What? It was good!) Around 1, I headed home to soak in a bath and wash my feet off, then joined Husband, Sean, Clay, Andrew, Patrick, and Lara at Peaks View for some grass volleyball. We played until nearly 7, went out to eat, and I was so tired I bailed on the dollar theater's "Amazing Grace". Husband said it was good, though!

Days like Saturday-- where you just get to do what you want-- are a gift from God. I felt like a kid, running around all day playing. I was tired, dirty, covered in sunscreen, smelling of a mixture of The River and leather and sweat. Mmmmm.